


Young Again

by grumblesandmumbles



Category: Shameless (US)
Genre: Gen, Little Ian, Little Lip, Little Mickey, M/M, The Gallaghers as kids
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-17
Updated: 2015-03-17
Packaged: 2018-03-18 07:09:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,005
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3560723
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/grumblesandmumbles/pseuds/grumblesandmumbles
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ian is only 17 but he feels so much older. Sometimes he wishes he could just go back to a simpler time. He reminisces, to himself and with Mickey.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Young Again

_You got this. You got this. You got this._

Ian heard Lip's words echoing his mind over and over after their conversation. He knew Lip meant well, but he thought it was bullshit. He had understood the point that Lip made with his story about Dave Kazinsky, he knew that Lip meant that he was a fighter. But Lip doesn't understand how to fight something you can't see or touch or taste. He had patted Lip on the back and walked away, thinking about that incident. It was only about five years ago, but somehow it felt like an eternity. Kazitsky as they called him, since he had a terrible case of adolescent acne, was Lip's age, a year ahead of Ian, an eighth grader. Not only was he on a mission to break that stupid black eye record, but he was determined to get it done since he would be in high school in the fall. Ian never did know why he was picked to be the one to get Kazitsky his victory. He probably looked like an easy target, all freckle faced and knobby kneed. But while he was a skinny thing and wouldn't hit his growth spurt for a few more years, he was not puny. Fiona said he was wiry, whatever that meant. He had done little league in elementary and his new thing was karate. When they found out that Kazitsky was gunning for Ian, Lip was determined to step in as big brother and defend his honor. But Ian uttered those words that Lip would reiterate to him all these years later and went to find the older boy himself. When they finally found Kazitsky, Ian had tossed off his backpack and shouted, "If you want this black eye so bad, you're gonna have to earn it!" And he did, but not before Ian landed one of his own. They spent the last couple of weeks of school sporting matching bruises and while Kazitsky had gotten his victory, it was tainted.

But bipolar disorder, or whatever the hell was going on with him, wasn't a person he could just punch in the face. Ian thought back to the day before. He knew something was up, though he was hardly ready to give in to the idea that he had what Monica had. He had excused taking off with Yevgeny, blamed it on impulse and poor planning, knowing that he would never do anything to hurt him. But he couldn't excuse or argue his way out of it anymore when he nearly took Debbie's head off with a bat. Between that and chasing ghosts, he finally accepted that something was really wrong. That whatever he did or didn't intend was useless if he couldn't control what he thought or believed. So when Mickey wanted to take him to the clinic to get new meds, he agreed. Something had to be done. Getting the lithium wasn't so bad, but when he was handed the olanzapine that it clicked. Because it had felt real, and he told the doctor as much. It scared him to think what he could do in the name of what he thought was real. So he nodded his head, agreed to go to the clinic. They had gotten home and he had dutifully taken his first doses of the meds and spent the rest of the day in and out of sleep. He vaguely remembered waking up at one point, alone, and getting up to see where everyone was. He found Fiona and Mickey in the kitchen, he taking clothes out of the dryer for her and she sorting and folding them. Their voices were low even for the quiet house, but it didn't take much thinking for Ian to figure out they were talking about him. He tiptoed back upstairs, unseen. He figured he could always ask Mickey about it at another time.

When he got up the morning of Carl's sentencing, Mickey had offered to come with him, but Ian told him he should go and track Iggy down. Now that the rub and tug was shut down and there was too much heat from the moving scam, Mickey needed a way to make some cash. Ian figured that while it wasn't ideal, it was best for him to try to get back into dealing or running guns with Iggy until a better opportunity came along. It was a risk, of course it was, but he knew Mickey was nothing if not smart and cautious. Besides, Ian thought it would be better to give Mickey something to focus on besides him, before they were at each others throats. It was because of this that Ian wound up heading home alone, reminiscing about black eyes on the bus ride back to the Southside. He had looked for his sisters and Vee but they were nowhere to be found. They must have either forgotten about him or thought he was with Lip. He may have been offended at being left behind if he wasn't secretly relieved to be alone for once. He just assumed he would catch them at the house, but when he got there it was blissfully quiet. Ian went up to his room, managing to get his jacket and shoes off before he laid down on his bed fully dressed. He knew it took time to adjust to the meds, but he wasn't expecting to be utterly exhausted all the time. He tucked his face into the corner of the wall to get out of the daylight pouring in the window and fell asleep. Sometime later, he was awakened by a gentle shake of his shoulder and a voice that he always associated with comfort. "Hey Sweetface," Fiona said to him. "You okay? Wanna get up and come to Patsy's with me to talk to Sean about that dish washing job?" Ian rolled over to look at her, noticing how little light was left coming in the window. It was getting darker earlier now. He nodded slowly and she smiled down at him. "Go get yourself cleaned up, I'll wait downstairs." She left and he heard her feet running lightly down the steps.

Ian pulled his shoes on and went into the bathroom, splashing some water on his face and fixing his hair. He found his coat and pulled it on, meeting Fiona in the kitchen. The walk over to Patsy's was quiet. For once, Fiona was not asking him questions or trying to prompt him into anything. They walked side by side, she occasionally stealing glances at him but staying silent. When they got to the diner, it turned out Sean wasn't even there. The waitress, who's name Ian had knows at some point but which now evaded his memory, brought him into the kitchen to show him the setup. There wasn't a whole lot to it. It wasn't like Ian hadn't washed dishes for he and his family, he certainly knew how to do it. Once she ran him through things, she told him he was better off to come back when Sean was there so they could discuss his schedule. But when he left the kitchen to meet back with Fiona, she was gone. _Ding, dong, ditching me everywhere we go. Twice in one day._ Again, Ian felt as if he should be offended, but he was more relieved to just get to be by himself. Ian had made such a practice out of staying under the radar, it's how he got away with so much undetected for so long. It was uncomfortable for him to know that everyone was paying attention, monitoring him, whispering about him. He wasn't sure whether he should wait or not, when the waitress offered him dinner on the house. At the mention of dinner, his stomach growled and he realized that he had no idea when he had last eaten. He also knew that he would have to take his pills again before too long, so he accepted and picked something off the menu. Ian got through about half before he lost his appetite. He got the other half wrapped, figuring he could take it home for Mickey. 

He was just about done when his phone beeped to take his pills. He dug them out of his pocket and tossed them in his mouth, swallowing them down with his water. He grabbed his leftovers and wished the waitress a good night. Still no sign of Fiona. He walked home figuring maybe she had just assumed he would leave without her. But he got there and once again, the house was empty. He made his way upstairs, fatigue setting in once again. This time, he stripped down to his boxers, tossing the day's clothes into a corner. He found the tank top he'd slept in the night before and pulled it over his head. He was writing a note to leave with the food for Mickey when his phone beeped as if Ian had summoned him. _You take your pills?_ Ian scowled at the phone, annoyed but still understanding. _Yea. Leftovers in fridge for you if you want them later. Laying down._ He went back downstairs long enough to leave the food in the fridge before he was back upstairs laying in his bed. But as tired as he was, this time he couldn't sleep. He stared at the wall for awhile, thinking back on the good old days as a kid. Their childhood hadn't always been an easy one, but it was still pretty damn good. He thought back to when they had first moved into the house that became their home.

_The kids were all sleeping in the back of the van when Frank and Monica appeared to give them news that would really change things for the better. The side door flung open, revealing Frank, who was only moderately high at the time. "Great news, kids! We're leaving the van! My Aunt Ginger is moving to a nursing home in Wisconsin and has told us that she would love for us to move into her house. There's a bedroom for everyone!" They all sat up and rubbed at their eyes, sleepy and confused. Eight year old Fiona, frizzy curls going every which way and big eyes staring suspiciously at her parents. She was already old enough to be wary of their words. Four year old Lip, scowling, already thinking of comebacks even at such a young age. Three year old Ian, knowing these were his parents but only feeling vague connection to these people. He only really dealt with them when Fiona was at school, and they ignored him most of the time anyway. Lip was the one who got attention, because he knew how to seek it out and milk it. Ian just sat back and observed, never asking, and certainly never demanding. Fiona asked, "How are you going to pay rent?" Frank threw his hands up in excitement. "No need! House is paid off, only need to make enough for utilities and such. Since I'm working now, that should be easy enough." It was true. Frank had been at this job for two months now, possibly a record. He was still drinking and drugging, but with less steam then he had before. There was cautious optimism but no one spoke of it._

_Frank and Monica got in the van and drove to their new house. They parked the van in the backyard and their parents got them and their things out and moved them all inside. To the kids, it was practically a palace. They ran upstairs in excitement, Fiona helping Ian since his legs were still just a little too small. Though there were enough rooms for all of them, Lip wanted Ian to stay with him. The front bedroom happened to have a bunk bed and it was decided. Fiona was given a room and Frank and Monica took one for themselves. There was even an extra room. It was a great time in their childhood. Frank managed to stay at the job long enough that by the time he did get fired, he qualified for unemployment benefits for awhile, and it was enough to keep them afloat. The kids grew, Ian lost his baby fat, and eventually he started kindergarten and the three of them would all go to school together every day. Monica was pregnant again by then. Lip and Ian didn't think much about it, but Fiona had certainly had some choice words for her parents. Especially because she knew that this new baby would be her responsibility any time they could pawn it off on her. Fiona, Lip and Ian made a bet, two dollars each, as to which one of them the new baby would look most like. When Monica went into the hospital, they each put their two dollars (dug out from cushions, pants pockets and picked up from the sidewalk) into a jar and waited. A couple of days later, their parents returned with a tiny little thing, swaddled in a blanket and sporting fine, orange fuzz on its head. They found out she was Debbie, and Ian took his winnings to the goodwill and bought her two baby outfits. He was a big brother now. He had to step up._

Ian heard someone return home, moving upstairs and slowly opening his door to peek in on him. Hesitant. He could tell just by the way the floorboards creaked as the weight shifted that it was Debbie. She was always cautious, anxious in her behavior. He listened as she rocked on her feet a few times before she quietly closed his door and moved down the hall to her own room. Ian went back to thinking about their childhood. It wasn't long before Monica got pregnant with Carl, and the following year he was born. He was put in with Lip and Ian, and that's how it remained for years until Liam replaced Lip. Things were still floating along pretty well. Lip had always taken on a big brother role but was more paternal with Ian and Debbie. Ian made up for the difference with Carl, paying extra attention to him, reading to him before bed. Carl shadowed him everywhere. When Fiona finally reached high school and was old enough to get a job that wasn't babysitting for neighbors, she went up and down all the main drags until she got her first official job as a cashier, squirreling away every penny because she had known that one day, the bottom would fall out of their fragile existence, and she wanted to be as ready as she could. That day came her junior year of high school.

_Monica had taken off, and not just for a few days to cool off or even a week or two, which she did when she was really mad, or really out of it. She had been gone for quite some time. They had stopped counting, it only made it worse. With her absence, Frank started coming home later and drunker every day, until he wasn't making it home until the next morning, if at all. The security of a rent free house also fell apart when they found out their parents had somehow managed to refinance the house and had blown the money. Now there was another monthly bill on top of the ones they already could barely afford. But unlike losing electric, where they could suffer through, they couldn't do much if they were evicted. Between that and Monica eventually returning pregnant yet again, Fiona left high school and started working any and every job she could find. Lip had long shown his intelligence and tutored kids for money. He also helped kids create cheat sheets for their exams for an extra fee. He knew he had to be enterprising. Ian could and would do whatever necessary to help, but he wasn't old enough to work like Fiona and he didn't have a particular skill set like Lip. Besides, someone had to stay with Debbie and Carl, so he got tasked with it. Ian remembered Monica bringing Liam home from the hospital. By this time, they were so disillusioned with her that none of the older siblings had much of any affection or charity left for her, but they had another brother and they weren't going to just throw him to the wolves (the wolves being their parents). So Monica returned to the Gallagher home, and Lip took one look at the baby and snidely said, "Well, looks like one of these things is not like the other." They all looked at their new, decidedly black sibling. Fiona and Ian exchanged a look, secretly amused at the idea of Monica running around on Frank. In late night whispers, Fiona, Lip and Ian all agreed that they looked forward to Frank's reaction when he saw their new brother. To their disappointment, Frank didn't react at all._

Ian heard the front door open and close, murmured talking and footsteps coming up the stairs. He could tell this was Fiona, her gait light but sure. He once again heard the bedroom door open behind him and then he heard whispering. "Hey Liam, how'd you like to camp out with me tonight? Ian's already sleeping and he needs his rest. You cool with that?" He heard Liam's little voice, always agreeable. "Okay!" He heard Fiona kiss Liam and say, "You go take those dirty clothes off and I'll grab some new clothes and we'll give you a quick bath." She moved quietly into the room, not realizing that Ian was listening to everything. She grabbed some stuff out of a drawer for Liam but before she left she stopped and hovered over Ian's bed. He was about to turn around and speak to her when she bent down and pulled his blanket up to cover him better. She rested her hand on his shoulder for just a moment before she left the room, closing the door behind her. Ian felt a tear slide out of his eye and down his cheek until it dropped off onto the bed. No, their childhood hadn't been perfect, nowhere near. But what he wouldn't give to be able to go back to those days. It was all still less complicated than this. He thought of when he first started working at the Kash and Grab, but he didn't stop to think about Kash or Linda, or that crazy situation. He went straight to Mickey.

Mickey, bursting through that door to jump him. Coming back to shoplift and make idle threats. Going to the Milkovich house with good intentions but poor planning. The one day that was etched in his mind, that changed everything, a tire iron and a daydream. All the things he went through with Mickey. The things Mickey did to him. What he was doing to Mickey now. The tears started to come harder. This wasn't what either of them had signed up for, but Ian loved Mickey. He was pretty sure Mickey felt the same way. Whether he had bipolar disorder or something else, it was his to deal with. Ian didn't want to put Mickey through any more. Mickey might be older than he was, but Mickey never had that kind of childhood or adolescence. Ian felt like he was denying Mickey something that he deserved, and not just because of his situation, but because Mickey was now free of Terry too. He should be making up for the time he lost. Like clockwork, he heard the door downstairs open one last time. Since the rest of them were here now (those who were actually coming home tonight, anyway), Mickey was the only one left. Ian wondered for just a moment if Fiona had left the door open for him or if someone had given him a key at some point. Ian knew he hadn't. It didn't really matter. He felt more tears leaking, tracing hot paths on his face and forming a wet spot beneath him. He listened and heard Mickey move into the kitchen, looking for the food Ian had brought him. A minute later, he heard steps approaching the room and the door opened one more time. He felt Mickey's presence, heard the rustling of the food bag as Mickey worked to get his coat and shoes off. Mickey put the food down on the bed while he took off his jeans and then he sat gently down next to Ian, not wanting to disturb him. He leaned over and gave Ian's shoulder a kiss, and he must have noticed the tears on Ian's face, because then he was speaking. "Ian? Ian what's wrong? Did something happen?"

Ian finally rolled over and said, "Mick, I think you should go home... and stay there. And not come back." Mickey leaned back and just stared at him for a minute. "Ian, what are you talking about?" Ian sniffed, trying to regain his composure before he lost his nerve to continue. "Mickey, you heard what the doctor at the clinic said. This isn't going away. We're too young, I can't lay this at your feet, it's not fair. You're free now, free from your dad, your family knows about you. You can be who you've always deserved to be. You're barely an adult, you should be having fun. Hell, I'm still seventeen, I should be having fun. One of us should be having some fucking fun! Not dealing with this bullshit!" Mickey grabbed his face, his hands gentle but firm. "Ian, you don't get to tell me to leave. Not for that stupid fuckin' reason. If you think you can get rid of me that easy then you really do need to figure your shit out. I'm not going anywhere. If it's fun you want, let's go. Get the fuck up and get dressed." He stood up and grabbed his pants that he'd just left on the floor. Ian sat up and said, "Wait, what? What are you doing?" Mickey looked at Ian like he was an idiot and said, "You want fun, I'm going to give you fuckin' fun. Get the fuck up and put on your clothes and let's go." He started tossing clothes at Ian, who put them on automatically. They both finished getting redressed and putting on their jackets. Mickey grabbed the bag of leftovers and they went downstairs. "Grab the bat while you're at it," Mickey instructed Ian. He was confused, but Ian did what Mickey asked. They left the Gallagher house, moving down the street. Mickey ate the leftover food while they walked and he led them to his house. "Stay out here, I'll be right back." Mickey moved up the stairs and entered, returning a couple of minutes later with a bag.

Mickey started walking and Ian walked alongside him, still unsure exactly what Mickey had in mind. The next thing he knew, Mickey had led them back to the baseball field where they had done little league together. They hadn't been back here since they came here (literally and figuratively) the night Mickey had been released from juvie that first time. Mickey led them into the dugout and put down his bag, opening it and revealing some beers and a baseball. He offered Ian one of the beers and Ian accepted it. They opened them and clicked them together before they each took a long chug. Suddenly, Mickey slapped Ian's arm lightly and said, "Tag, you're it!" He took off running across the field and before Ian could think, he was in hot pursuit. Mickey couldn't run distance like Ian, but since what running he did was usually away from some form of authority, he had a good sprint and Ian had to literally wear him down before he finally caught him. He tackled Mickey onto the grass, the two boys laughing and roughhousing with each other. Mickey rolled Ian onto his back and landed on top of him, leaning down and kissing him gently. He stroked Ian's face with his hand, tender in that way that only Ian knew. Ian raised his own hand and rested it over Mickey's. After staying there for a moment, Mickey got to his feet and helped Ian up. They went back to the dugout and Mickey retrieved the ball and bat. They took turns pitching and batting, and they chatted while they did it. Mickey kept things light, not talking about any of the recent events that had happened, not about Yevgeny or Ian's condition, or meds. Ian felt good just talking like normal, and not feeling like every conversation revolved around what was wrong with him. But Ian did get a reminder before too long when he started to feel pretty tired. _I guess it's the stupid meds_ , he thought to himself. Mickey could see that his energy was draining and led him back to the dugouts to just sit and talk and rest for a few before they went home.

They sat side by side on the bench, gazing through the fence at the night sky above. Ian looked over at Mickey and asked, "Do you remember the night we came here, after you got out of juvie when Kash shot you?" Mickey nodded, keeping his gaze straight ahead. "Course I do." Ian smiled and said, "And when you mentioned pissing on first base." Mickey got quiet, but eventually he whispered, "You know why I did it, don't you?" Ian whipped his head to look at him and said, "I always wondered, I thought maybe it was my overactive imagination." Mickey shook his head slowly and replied, "No, I did it for you."

_They were playing a game against a rival team. Monica was in the picture at the moment and had decided she just had to go see Ian play. There were parents who cheered on their kids from the stands, and then there was Monica, who had taken something before they headed over. She wound up causing a scene and being made to leave. Everyone knew or figured out she was Ian's mother (he did look the most like her, everyone said so). There he was, standing at second base and wanting the floor to open up under his feet and swallow him whole. The embarrassment was palpable. Mini Mickey Milkovich, as some of the kids called him (behind his back, never too his face, he was small but scrappy, and they weren't dumb) had been watching with squinted eyes from first. Ian was convinced that he had just become a new target for the boy's aggression, but instead Mickey dropped his pants and pissed on first base, causing a scene and making everyone forget about Ian's existence. He was kicked off the team, since this was merely another addition to all of the other disruptions and trouble he had caused. Ian had never gotten to talk to him about it back then but he was sure going to now._

"Why, Mick?" He turned to face Mickey better and the older boy met his gaze but stayed quiet, gathering his thoughts. Ian could see that he was figuring out how to respond to the question, so he waited. Finally, Mickey said, "I didn't like the way they all looked at you. Pity, mixed with looking at you like you were vulnerable. I feel like people look at you that way now too. That's why I get mad or frustrated, because it's not like that. You've got something going on that affects you, you do what you have to do and deal with it. That doesn't make you vulnerable, it makes you strong. That you can do that. It's so much easier to ignore things, Ian. I did it for years with my life. I did it with you. But easier isn't always better. I'm sure you wonder why I didn't say anything when we came here that last time if I remembered why I did it. But I couldn't say anything. I couldn't admit it to myself, let alone to you, not even just between us. You told me earlier that I was free now, and I am. I'm free to choose and I choose you. I'll choose you every time, Ian. You don't get to get rid of me, not like that and not for stupid reasons like you tried to give me. Okay?" Ian leaned in and kissed Mickey softly. "Okay, Mick."

Mickey was about to get up when he realized that he forgot something. "Oh! I got you something. Nothing crazy, just thought it might be helpful for you." he reached into his pocket and pulled out a little rolled up plastic bag, offering it to Ian. Ian opened it and found two of those pill boxes where you put the pills for each day of the week. "I figured it might help you while you're getting adjusted. One for the first round and one for the second." Ian felt a tear in his eye. He realized that there would be times when they would bicker and argue, times where he felt smothered, but he also realized that those moments would be worth it because he had someone who truly cared about him and his well being, who wouldn't be swayed. Mickey saw the tear threatening to slip and he thumbed it away. "I love you," Mickey said. His voice was low and nervous, but sure. Ian leaned back in and kissed him one more time. "I love you too, Mick." Mickey got up and gathered the ball and beers back into his bag, slinging it over his shoulder. He picked up the bat with one hand and offered the other to Ian to help him up. Ian took his hand and he led Ian out of the dugouts. "Let's go home." Mickey laced their fingers together and they walked like that the entire way back.

**Author's Note:**

> Feel free to find me on Tumblr [here](http://grumblesandmumbles.tumblr.com).
> 
> The title of this came from the title of a song by Hardwell. I heard the song and the lyrics, and it just made me think of these boys who have been through so much. Here's a snippet of the lyrics if you're interested:
> 
> When I was a boy, I dreamed of a place in the sky  
> Playing in the fields, battling with my shields,  
> Bows made out of twine
> 
> I wish I could see this world again through those eyes  
> See the child in me, in my fantasy  
> Never growing old
> 
> Will we ever feel young again


End file.
